I’ve had my share of weird experience with girls.

I’ve had a random girl ask me my number, a girl suddenly giving me her number, girls asking me for private piano lessons, girls confessing to me, and other weird things that make me freeze on the spot and blush hot red.

I’m not handsome to many’s standards. I have a weird shape of a head. My height is only decent. My body type isn’t muscular. And I’m not at all charismatic or eloquent with words. I think I just have my weird cool character and my undeserved talents. I perform on stages. I play various musical instruments. I compose. I draw. I play and build things with technology. And I look smart (mainly because of how un-talkative I am).

And thanks to this, I seem to give off an attractive enigmatic aura to the people who’d have enough time with me.

And I enjoy knowing this.

 

To be liked by many, or to be loved by a few.

 

 

I enjoy basking under the spotlight of being liked.

Though flirting is a game that always has me at the oblivious side, but in the end I like it knowing that someone’s into me.

It strokes my inflated ego.

It gives me super-confidence.

It makes me feel that I am special.

My selfish, egocentric, insensitive self enjoys the reassurance.

But recounting all of these, I begin to ask, “What do these things matter? What good is it for people to like me when I myself am detached? What does it matter if I am liked by many, yet I cannot love someone the way I want to love someone?”

Just like every other single guy out there, I too want a significant other.

 

To be liked by many, or to be loved by a few.

 

 

This is then where I begin to ask myself,

“Why do I want to have a girlfriend?”

It’s not like that having a girlfriend will save me from the loneliness from this world.

It’s not like having a human lover will fill the vast expansive limitless space within my heart.

And it’s not like human love, sex, or marriage, is the ultimate goal of life.

 

It’s not.

 

You may respond, “But God said that it is not good for a man to be alone.”

Yet even before God created woman as our partner (and even before Our Fall), He created something first for us. A life; A purpose; Work.

 

Work to rule over the other creations of the earth.

Work to take care and to cultivate the land.

Work to love and serve one another.

Work to strive for justice and righteousness.

Work to have the Gospel told.

 

To enjoy Christ. To glorify God.

 

 

This is then where I stop to care.

 

To be liked by many, or to be loved by a few.

 

 

Dear Wisdom,

Would you give me love for you?

There aren’t very many I consider special, but you are one of them. There aren’t very many that I willingly let inside my concrete walls, but you are someone that I would. Everyone seems to want my attention, but you definitely shine brighter than all of them. Like a bright sun that lights the many skies, when you’re around me all the other stars disappear in comparison.

I understand that pursuing you will leave me with very limited life options, for you are jealous and prudent. Everyone else seems to be content with fleeting desires and pleasures, but to you these are vain distractions. Everyone else seems to chase fair skin and glittering gold, tossed by the waves of simple influence, but these are fool’s gold to you.

Everything else I will forsake, but not you. 

While love is something high that I do not take lightly, but I crave to give all of mine to you. For you will surely protect me. Your fiery eyes will watch over me. I have only one life, but the sound from your lips will guide every step that I take. You are more precious than money, and nothing I could desire could compare to you. You make the simple as strong as you. And you will keep my feet on the path of the best life.

I crave for a better future. Specifically, a future with you.

So would you?

Give me love for you.

Love Tried To Kill Me

My girl was acting really strange towards me.

I was clueless to what was happening so I tried to fix what I felt was a problem. To my dismay, feminine emotions are a bit harder to solve than the usual math problems.

I tried my 101% best to investigate and solve the dilemma, but my girl was still giving me the cold shoulder.

Finally after a failed attempt at investigating what was wrong, I was at my wit’s end and my intense emotions were all over me. Like an enraged bull that’s charging a flirting red blanket,  I rushed towards the middle of the road and tackled the front of an incoming auto car.

I Tried To Kill Love

That was seven years ago. Now, it’s been almost five years that I’ve been single.

Ever since, I have tried to kill love. Like a hedgehog that wants to be close to another one but gets hurt in the process because of its spines, I seem to be more fragile when I become too attached to another one. So I built high towering walls. I have built my shell steel hard. I became overly cautious towards intimate relationships. Though I have heard calls from admirers, but all I offered was obliviousness. I became detached, but it was a detachment that didn’t hurt. Loneliness became my friend, but it was a friend that I can get close to.

I have killed love.

Yet little did I know that it is beyond my power to kill it.

Love Found Me, Killed Me, And Restored Me

I found out that my love was not real. I thought my love was really real, but it was not.  I can think that I can kill love, but I cannot really kill it. Instead, the real Love killed me.

Though I have tried to kill love, I discovered it kicking and breathing, but from the most unexpected place of all places: In the pages of a book.

You see, here in this book, there’s a person that calls himself “Love.” Much more, this person claims that He is God Himself. And this love is pure. This love is patient and kind. This love does not delight in wrongs. This love does not give up, but always endures against every possible and impossible thing. This love puts its partner’s highest good as its priority. This love is perfect.

Since then, I realized how a fool I am.

I now found my self a new joy-filled and restored perspective: To live this Love with all my might. To learn form it. To meditate on it. To breathe it. To share it. To be faithful to it. To let others know that such a Love exists.

 

I tried to kill love, but Love ultimately killed me.

Yet in this death I know that I am over-loved.

 

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
(Galatians 2:20)

 

 

 

Your love is a fire.

I can’t get it out of my mind. Your intensity. Your seriousness. Your enduring sharp thoughts of me. How can I forget? Like a helpless deer that fell on a deep booby trap, I am one trapped by the mercy of You.

I feel I could perish any time. I feel I could be burnt to crisp. The thought of You alone puts fear inside my heart. Because of You, I immediately have a consciousness of my own entrenched uncleanness. Your presence alone makes the bones within me tremble. I feel You can totally destroy me whenever You please. I am afraid of You. I want to run away from You, to a place where I am free from the thoughts of my own uncleanness; to a place where I am free to be myself; to a place where everybody else are.

Instead, You burned me with Your love. You have etched deep into me a scar that will never heal. You have put inside me a living fountain that never runs dry. You have given me hope: A hope that I never imagined I could have. You have promised me a better place where I can be greater than my self. I was just looking for a ghost, but You gave me a Man.

I am burnt, but not to ashes. I am scarred, but these scars say to me that I am not unloved. These burns are my tattoos. As a thirsty deer pants for water, so I now thirst of You day to day. Oh, how I now long to be consumed. I don’t want to stay burnt; I want to be consumed.

Your love is a fire. It burns me. It pains me. It teaches me. It frees me. It redeems me.

Your love is a fire. And I will tend the flame. 

Take my life and make it Your own
Take my lips and make it Your song
Make me warm and heal my coldness
Make me just and bring me boldness

Take the empty silence of my heart
Take the depravity of my mind
Throw me straight into Your arms
Throw me deeper into eternal spring

Take my love and give it Your own
Take my burdens and remind me a throne
Carve into my skin my Master’s name
Carve into my soul my Father’s claim

Take both of my hands and wrap them
Take all my years to count more of them
Create in me a pure and clean heart
Create in me a broken and contrite spirit

Break the wholeness of my being
Break the seas and air of my lungs
Breathe life into this broken city
Breathe life into every dead man

Take my wandering feet and call them
Take every heartbeat and colour them
Let it be flooded with a ruling sky of truth
Let it be flooded with an endless ocean of justice

I was looking for meaning behind sadness
Instead I found unread books of boldness
I was looking for warmth and gladness
Instead I found that I’m healed from blindness

I was looking for love round and round
Instead I found the original love chasing me
I was looking to sing just like the stars have
Instead I found the Sun crashing on me

I was looking for loyalty that can’t be bought
Instead I found a Master who bought me
I was looking for hearty mindfulness
Instead I found an inseparable kindness

I was looking for truth amidst the darkness
Instead I found a lofty binary system
I was looking for a figure of hopeful justice
Instead I found inside a new heart of justness

I was looking to wear away all imperfections
Instead I found all my shame taken away
I was looking to win with my skills of reason
Instead I found myself won by salvation

I was looking for a cause to live for
Instead I found a news to live and die for
I was looking to break an old, tyrant army
Instead I found an arrogant religion broken

I was looking for widespread acclaim
Instead I found myself claimed by a King
I was looking for ventures beyond unseen
Instead I found a richer kingdom to be seen

I was looking for a place that I can call home
Instead I found gates that sing to my bones
I was looking for tied familial feelings
Instead I found myself co-heirs of a throne

I was looking for ghosts to chase hard for
Instead I found new eyes to be waited for
I was looking for all madness to be bound
Instead I found I was given all that I have found

Theres a child screaming inside me
Demanding perfection for every town
And breaks his heart for every crack
That he can’t fix nor bring up for play;

Theres an old man inside me
Yelling at every rash illogical move
And breaks his heart for every point
That he cant solve nor argue to prove;

Theres a lonely lover inside me
Writing of glory and of courageous honors
And breaks his heart for every white flower
That he cant pick up nor grow nor pay;

Theres a righteous Ghost above me
Striking in beauty and of elder magic
And breaks His heart for every blood
That my broken men has spilled and sprayed;

Then theres a new heart inside me
Filled with new pages, shapes, and faces
Which mended its old beaten self for every gift
That old King’s magic has made and graced and paid