I was a young ambitious man. I was always at the edge of my seat, volunteering for every opportunity that I can see. I want to prove to the big bosses that I am the very best one, the very hardworking worker, the very talented person that they will ever meet in their lifetime. I wanted everyone in the whole world to know that, and I worked hard on every side.
Now, I am not that person. I feel I am now at the upper side of this kind of relationship. I am the boss. I am the leader and the manager. There are people who are eager, with eyes wide open, to receive whatever I can delegate — eager to receive my direction and command, people who get excited for the visions I cast.
With this much responsibility, I notice a specific tension becoming stronger: I can be unaccountable to anyone. I can cut corners. I can shift responsibilities to who I can delegate it to. I can be lazy. When the going gets tough, I can choose to not follow through with my promises. I can break my own rules that I set to my people. I can lie on small things. I can be greedy, and power-hungry. I can put on shows and wear masks to the public. I can be a hypocrite. I can be a bully. I can be Saul. I can be David. I see many things I can be.
I had always been intentional with the value of character building. I passed my college without ever cheating on exams, even having submitted my papers blank, with no answers, to my teachers. I became infamous on multiple circles for me not comprising my values. I received admiration from people for my sheer steely resolute values. I believed character should be built as early as possible. I believe it is a muscle that should be trained.
Now, this muscle is being tested with much heavier weights.
Maybe these conveniences, these good gifts, are just exposing the depraved nature of my flesh — that I cannot trust my flesh, my talents, my character, my values, my efforts. Maybe, with these responsibilities He has given me, He is exposing to me that I instead need to focus on Him and depend on Him alone — that only through and in Him alone I can find the things that I am seeking.
I am witnessing my greater need of Him.
Maybe through these, He is guiding me to His will. May God help me be true to His ways.