I Have A Desperately Wicked Heart


“You have a good heart, Pyl.”

A woman once told me this during a serious one-on-one conversation. This particular line that she said then took shelter at the back of my mind ever since.


Because I know it’s too far from the truth.

My heart is sick. Just like every other people. Every other sinner. Every other normal human being. From the sins of my fathers on the pages of history, to the heart-wrenching sins exposed in modern media. They feel all too familiar. I feel their familiar fears. The familiar pain. The familiar struggle. The familiar loneliness. The familiar weaknesses. The familiar crutches. The familiar excuses. They feel all too familiar.

My heart is constantly waging war against forces within. The forces of angst, jealousy, pride, greed, and lust. When I look at what the majority of people would describe as “bad guys”, I feel the same way as they’d feel — Angst against these inhuman bad guys. But when I look at the mirror, I realize that I have the same blood, the same heart, the same potential, the same human animal instinct, that these “bad guys” have.

Mankind’s history repeats itself, over and over again.

My heart is not good. It is far from good.

I have a desperately wicked heart, and I know it. Whenever I examine myself, down to the deepest and darkest corners of my heart, I see nothing but desperation, longingness for something, and hopelessness of what it can offer.

I cannot put my hope in my own because it is hopeless to the core. No money, philosophy, success, friends, knowledge, nor experience could ever be enough. And that’s probably why Someone perfect saw a reason to go down here, suffer, and die — to give hope to the hopelessness. For in His resurrection, there is sure hope — The only hope that there is. The God who brings redemption to the failures, love to the loveless, justice to the victims, and hope to the hopeless.

To what people may see good in me, it is all because of the grace and work of Jesus Christ The Lord.

And with this, I rest my case.

I do not have a good heart. Because only God is good. And to Him be the glory, forever and ever, from this world, and to that which is yet to come.


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